QUESTION: What are you grateful for?
I am grateful for becoming a mother this last year and how much depth that has brought into my life.
QUESTION: Depth in what way?
Before having children you focus on yourself out of natural living, but having a child makes you focus on anything but yourself. Luke has brought so much depth and love into my life that I don't think I could achieve any other way. With that love, I have found so much more depth and meaning in all areas of my life.
" Luke has brought so much depth and love into my life that I don't think I could achieve any other way. "
QUESTION: How old is Luke?
He just turned one.
QUESTION: What are the biggest challenges you have faced so far being a mom?
He's been a really colicky challenging child, but I've loved every minute of it. Those first five months of his life were full of no sleep and him constantly crying. I was always on the phone with my mom saying, "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make him feel better. " I was cutting things out of my diet and trying to find out how I could possibly bring any relief into his life. I was doing everything with him attached to me. They were the best months of my life. The meaning of what I was doing was so deep that it didn't matter how hard it was.
" The meaning of what I was doing was so deep that it didn't matter how hard it was. "
QUESTION: What would you say worked for the colliky?
Time is the biggest thing. I cut out dairy for 13 months to make him feel better, and that's been challenging all on its own. Those first six months I experienced Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday with the new diet restrictions. Spending Thanksgiving starving was very frustrating to me, but at the same time it just didn't matter because he was so much happier without the dairy.
QUESTION: What would you say has been the defining moment or most rewarding?
It’s the little things, especially in this first year. It's insane the first time they smile at you, you would have thought they just completed their first marathon. The first time they roll over, you feel like you have to tell everybody you know that your child has rolled over.
It was so incredible when he was born. It was such a moving moment. But, since then I think it's just every little developmental thing that he does, no matter how small, that becomes the most exciting Instagram-worthy event in my life.
QUESTION: What do you fear the most?
The mom anxiety is crazy. Even just while I'm driving in a car I’m thinking, Wait is everyone driving safely? Am I a good enough mom?, or Am I cutting this food up small enough?
It's interesting that you see kids every day and then you have one, and your perspective changes. I just walked around that first month he was born thinking, How is everyone not freaking out? This is a human. I just gave birth to a human. People do this all the time, and nobody acts like its a big deal.
I think that fear implies the depth of everything. Things that aren't that big of a deal before become that much scarier or happier. You feel everything so much more.
QUESTION: What would be your advice for the person who is trying to make the decisions whether or not to have children?
I definitely was on the line as to whether I wanted my own children. I was very involved as an aunt, and I knew how hard being a mom would be (well I thought I knew how hard it would be). I thought I had a very fulfilled life. I was older for Utah standards to have a child, and I was very set in my ways. I was terrified my whole pregnancy. I hated that people knew I was pregnant. I hated everything about pregnancy. But, the moment I held my child, all of that went away.
Having a child is just the most incredible experience. To think that I wouldn't want to make myself a better person by giving life and raising a child is just insane to me. Whatever people want to do is great. But, I hear people say, “I don't want kids”, and my heart just hurts for them. I think motherhood is incredible. They will never know what they are missing and I can totally understand that. Like I said, I was totally in the same boat. The idea that anybody would agree to having a child actually seems insane. Why would you give all your time to a little monster that doesn't treat you very well and doesn't appreciate that you've given up everything for them? But somehow it's the most incredible experience!
